Un italiano en Londres

Lo que a continuación pongo, me lo ha pasado una persona tras su clase de inglés. Viene a incidir sobre cómo hablamos inglés los que no somos anglosajones, y cómo nos entienden los ingleses. El texto siguiente, pues, está escrito intentando asemejarse lo más posible a lo que entienden los británicos de nuestra pronunciación. (Nótese en este caso particular que se trata de un interlocutor italiano, con su particularidad a la hora de introducir 'aes' típico de su forma de hablar).

Dear Signore Diretore,

Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella.

I am comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as younga man at your hotella. When I comma in my room I see is no shit in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? I calla down the recepzione and tella:
"I wanna shit".
They tell me: "Go to the toillett".
I say: "No, no, I wanna shit in my bed".
They say: "You betta not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch".
(What is sonnawabitch, Signore Diretore?)

I go down for ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs and two pisses of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and pointa of toast:
"I wanna piss".
She tella me: "Go to the toillett".
Why does everybody keepa telling me, go to toilet, go to toilet?!
I say:
"No, no, I wanna piss on my plate".
She then say to me:
"You bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch".

Second person who do not even know me and calla me sonnawabitch! What is sonnawabitch!? Is it some kinda modern tella? I don't understand, Signore Diretore.

Later I go for dinner into ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out but no fock. I tella waitress:
"I wanna fock"and she tella me: "Sure, everybody wanna fock".
I tella her:
"No, no, you don't understand me. I wanna fock on the table".
She then tella me:
"So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? Get your ass outta here".

So I go to the recepzione and ask for the billa. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I have pay the billa, the porter say to me:
"Thank you, and peace on you".
I say:
"Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch".

I go back to Italy! I never more comma stay in your hotella, you sonnawabitch.

Sincerely,
Enrico Morelli

(Nótese que las palabras rojas en realidad querían decir sheet, piece, fork y finalmente peace).